holidays

Double trouble

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It’s already December, and here I am on the precipice of many vomiting spells from all the coughing. I feel like a walking virus with a neck as veinous as the Hulk’s. We’d skipped a year in the sickness department, and now, here we are, as a family of four, sick like toads. Luckily, the kids’ symptoms were mild, and they were rather unbothered.

Christmas is the holiday that I look forward to most every year; there’s so much to do, experience, and feel. Yet time has flown by so fast; and while we’ve done many Christmas activities already, the feeling of being in the festive spirit just hasn’t caught up. Expectation and reality feel like mismatched socks. It’s many things in a complex dance, and combined, it’s overwhelming.

It seems as if we could never catch a break since March 2020, or since the birth of our firstborn and the pandemic began. From that point on, our lives spiralled for better and for worse — the ripple effects felt deeply and constantly. Issues began and multiplied, and mutated into many variations. And in the midst of it all, there was no opportunity for physical, mental, or emotional respite.

For a brief moment, though, we’d caught a breath of air — we’d bought our first home last year. It was the climatic point of hope and promises. But not for long. Once again, our living environment — what was supposed to be our safe haven — became a hazard. More issues arose, and we found ourselves having to pack up and leave, and be wary of even our footsteps upon returning.

Besides the crippling financial effects these events have had on our lives, and with them, the stresses they’ve had on our relationships, are the deep effects they’ve had on our children, because we, as parents, have been struggling immensely. We’ve been deep in the dungeon of guilt, feeling the weight of the circumstances, while simultaneously feeling like royal failures and like the world’s shittiest parents for failing our kids in ways we never thought we would.

Then there’s Christmas around the corner. The tree and lights and all the decor exude a glowing warmth; the smell of cinnamon and pine fills the air with glee; the yard is covered with a fluffy blanket of snow; holiday songs fill the stores and streets with celebration. We have a roof, food, warmth, our family. Yet all doesn’t feel as it should. The external world is seemingly a snow globe, yet the internal world remains a dark mist. Therein lies the mocking juxtaposition that’s reality for us, and for many people, during what’s supposed to be a festive season.

Much guilt eats away at me. I wish I’d been a healthier, happier mother to my children. I wish I’d been a kinder, more loving wife. I wish I’d been more grounded and lived up to my potential. Yet somehow, when none of the fluff makes sense, through my will to live and love, I find myself yearning to make memories with my family, as shattered as our lives have been. I yearn to sew presence and love out of the ripped fabric of our existence. Especially through the broken parts of myself.

For one, we put up our Christmas tree. My parents, the kids’ Kong-Ma, were here to experience the moment, too. Last year, when we put up the tree, it was only them and Keaton, as Gaia was still in my belly. This year, she’s here, too, hopping around on her bum at full speed and exploring. By the time it’s Christmas, she’ll already be one. She’s so full of awareness and interest. It’s so endearing to see her hopping around, whilst holding and hugging and kissing my dancing penguin. It’s double trouble with two now.

Seeing the Christmas tree and decorations and lights brings immense joy to my heart. I see and feel celebration, family, togetherness, and love. As challenging as events in our lives have been, I do have the utmost trust that it’s going to be the most heartwarming Christmas yet, because now, our family is complete with all four of us. There’s strength in family, because where there’s love, there’s will. And where there’s will, there’s possibility.

Keaton was our biggest helper in putting up the ornaments

Whereas last year Gaia was a newborn at Christmas, this year she’s another carbuncle on the loose

I found this beautiful angel that I dedicated to my sister; it makes me feel like she’s with us

Gnome ornaments I’d painted for Keaton and Gaia!

Kinda cute, yes?

Ferme L’Éco des Champs

The first Christmas-y activity we did was visit Ferme l’Éco des Champs again. They now have pre-cut trees for sale, and I’m enamoured with the Christmas tree that they’d put up inside the market shed. It’s all in the minute details, but simply having that tree really changes the farm into a festive wonderland.

This time, Keaton wanted to feed the goats and alpacas, but to our disappointment, they weren’t hungry. While the baby goats were still curious and social even if they weren’t looking to eat, the alpacas looked at us as if we were the most out of place tourists on this earth for trying to feed them. That’s when we reasoned that we’ll stick to the chickens and piggies next time; they’re always hungry.

Cedar Hill Christmas Tree Farm

Rows of growing trees for someone’s next Christmas tree

A picturesque spot fit for a proposal or love confession (cue the cheesy Hallmark movies)

It was our first time visiting Cedar Hill Christmas Tree Farm — what a magical place! They had wide open fields of beautifully lined trees ready to be cut and adorned in the home, as well as baby trees just poking their heads out of the ground. I was itching to cut one myself, but since we already had one at home, I reasoned that perhaps next year or when the kids are a bit older we can return to cut our first Christmas tree.

Besides cut-your-own trees, they also had pre-cut trees as well as many handmade wreaths. Their store was also neat to wander in. There were ornaments, winter wear, soaps, Christmas decor, food goodies, and many more. Their fire pit was a hot spot to warm up, and they also had some farm animals to admire. There were also picturesque spots fit to film Hallmark movies (cue the cheesy ones).

This year, our visit was Keaton enjoying the dynamic playground and Gaia seeing some bunnies and piggies, and us parents enjoying our hot chocos in the scenic environment. But next year or after that, I hope to return to cut our own Christmas tree for the first time.

Magic of Lights at Wesley Clover Parks

We did another Magic of Lights event at Wesley Clover Parks. While last year Gaia was in my belly when we did the drive-through, this year she was in the car seat. Unfortunately, she slept through the whole driving experience; otherwise, she would’ve appreciated all the lights and colours.

This time, we also stopped at the Holiday Pit Stop. It was nice to actually get out of the car and walk a little to do some activities. There were some photo-ops, a BeaverTail truck, and a mini trail to enjoy the lights. Gaia was awake by then and quite enamoured by the colourful lights over her.

Ottawa Christmas Market at Landsdowne Park

The Right Bite’s gingerbread and shortbread cookies are just… a different species of delicious

We waited for our family photo with Santa (our first one yet)!

The Ottawa Christmas Market at Landsdowne Park is a European-style Christmas market that features many vendors, activities, and entertainment. We went on opening night, and of course, as expected, driving in meant that there would be a long wait time — cars were lined all the way down the road.

But the night was young and there was plenty of fun to be had. Although we missed the tree-lighting ceremony, we did catch a glimpse of the carollers. We also took a stroll in the Aberdeen Pavilion, which was crowded between all the vendors and even more patrons. After Keaton had gotten his Christmas cookie from The Right Bite, we scurried out. In retrospect, I’m sure we caught a virus inside the pavilion.

It was also crowded outdoors, and although I enjoyed all the lights and festivities — the kids enjoyed the atmosphere, too — I was happy to call it a night. The atmosphere was very festive with many happy smiles all around, but because I’m easily overstimulated by crowds, going home not too long after was what I needed. We did manage to take our first family photo with Santa. That was a major success.

Cumberland Heritage Village Museum

It was our first time attending the Vintage Village of Lights at the Cumberland Heritage Village Museum, and so far, it’s my favourite go-to place for a Christmas activity with my family. Whereas the Ottawa Christmas Market at Landsdowne Park was festive but overstimulating due to all the entertainment and the crowd of people, the Vintage Village of Lights here was the opposite: festive but very quiet, peaceful, and leisurely.

The lights at the museum did look and feel like a picturesque postcard. It was a beautiful sight to behold, and an even more beautiful experience to be had. I love that the experience was a mix of outdoors and indoors, where we could stroll around and appreciate the heritage buildings and see demonstrations, as well as enter some of them to do activities like decorate gingerbread cookies (we could eat them, too!) and take photos with Santa.

I look forward to coming back at least once more before the season is over. Not only is it very affordable — it’s $25 for six people — but it’s also very low-key and low-energy, fit for a quiet and calm leisurely stroll devoid of crowds. I love their family activities, and the staff were a delightful bunch.

Christmas Market in Old Aylmer

We visited the Christmas Market in Old Aylmer last year, just two weeks before Gaia was born. I was heavily pregnant at that point and walking like a penguin. This year, she poked her head out of the stroller — eyebrows knitted, and curious and analytical as usual. While there was no train ride this year for Keaton, it was still sweet to remember the memories, and to appreciate time in all its fragments.

Billings Estate National Historic Site

They really do look… homemade. I’m the worst crafter, but I had so much fun

The Billings Estate National Historic Site is a heritage museum here in Ottawa that was built by and used to house the Billings family, one of the earliest settlers. This site is now operated by the City of Ottawa.

We visited the museum for their Home for the Holidays program, where we could explore all the Christmas decor accenting the old, wood-frame home, look at souvenirs and learn about the Billings family and their legacy, and craft our own Christmas ornaments.

When we’re out, it’s rare for Keaton to remain seated and still; he’d often run off and explore (he’s very strong-willed at that). This is why I really appreciated our time together making our own pine cone ornaments. He helped me craft them by choosing the ribbons and adding glue. Because he’s normally not a crafty kid either, having him experience this moment was very joyful for me.

There were cinnamon sticks and star anise, too, that we could add to our pine cones (I added a few to ours). The scent livened the atmosphere in the old home. There’s something deeply calming and cozy about the scent. Now, with our pine cones on our Christmas tree — Keaton put them there — I can’t help but go up to them for a nice sniff.

Stanley’s Olde Maple Lane Farm

We missed Stanley’s Olde Maple Lane Farm’s daytime holiday activities, so we attended their nighttime Holiday Stroll instead. We were all sick and fatigued, and while it made all the practical sense to stay home and rest, I knew we had to do a trip to see the holiday lights — they would lift all our spirits. And lift them they did.

The holiday lights were magical there. The path of lights took about an hour’s stroll. There were traditional displays, and quirky and romantic ones. Santa’s Village was particularly fun to explore. There were mini houses where we could search for different characters and objects for fun.

The latest memory I’m particularly fond of, are these Christmas ornament crafts (I bought them from Dollarama). Keaton has never been an arts-and-crafts kid; he’d have very little patience for and interest in them. But when I enthusiastically told him that I was excited for us to do a Christmas craft together, he agreed to it. I was skeptical that he’d follow through; often times, he’d just tell us to do it for him (this is a problem we have with him).

Yet this experience was different. It was a Christmas miracle, if I may describe it as a such. To my surprise, as soon as he arrived home, he was adamant about starting the craft right away (to my own chagrin because I didn’t even have time to remove my coat and boots). He then proceeded to craft. With my help in reading the instructions, he intently put all the pieces of the characters together, by himself.

Even if his interest began to wane at the third and fourth character, the fact that he carried through with all the characters, and did it all himself, was a huge success. It might’ve been a simple Dollarama craft, yes, but I felt proud of his cute accomplishment (the characters are so adorable), and even prouder that he was able to concentrate, despite his own inclinations elsewhere. I even dated them at the back, just like my father used to do with my own art work. This way, I could keep them forever as a souvenir.

While these ornaments were meant to be for the tree, it’s really dear how he put them in random places around the house as decor, and is very adamant about leaving them in their respective places. I really look forward to him doing more arts and crafts, so I could adorn our walls with them as time goes by. Parents whose children give them art work are the luckiest in the world; I’d love to receive them from my children, too.

***

I’m not sure how events will unravel with our home. We have a few weeks to find out. I hope and pray that all will be fixed and back to normal. Our hearts are heavy, to be sure, but these past Christmas activities and events with the kids have more than saved us. They’ve brought a ray of light to our darkness.

Calling the crowd

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Yesterday was a spontaneous Christmas-y day — my favourite kind of day. Bruno had his haircut lined up for noon, and with some time to kill in the morning, we decided to go to the Christmas Farmers’ Market at The Log Farm. It would be our first Christmas Market of the season.

Because it was the opening day, it was packed with cars and eager visitors. Keaton was particularly smitten with the ice cream truck, which sold extravagant hot chocolates that featured snowman marshmallows, ice cream, and a cute-as-a-button gingerbread house.

Sharing this hot chocolate with my little guy was the highlight of my visit. He was so kind to offer his daddy a snowman marshmallow, too, even if they were meant for him to enjoy.

That evening, we also spontaneously attended the Magic of Lights at Wesley Clover Parks. We were lucky because the weather was mild, with just some sprinkles of snow along the road. Otherwise, it would’ve been a challenging drive (we’re still waiting on our winter tires order).

The holiday lights drive-through experience was so magical. It was our first time doing it. Keaton wanted to get out of the car and walk around, and rightfully so, because it was so enticing and colourful. He loved the dinos most of all, and even cried for his daddy to go back and do another stroll, which of course we couldn’t because there were cars behind us. Petit bout de chou.

We also tried our fireplace for the first time last night! We were trying to figure out ways to keep the fire going, with Bruno grabbing logs and sticks from the yard. We even tried using cardboard recycling. (I guess that’s a good way to get rid of recycling, too, hah.) Unfortunately, our fire didn’t stick around for long — an ultimate fail — but oh well, we’ll try again soon.

This morning, we ventured to Ian’s Christmas Adventure Park. There were plenty of fresh Christmas trees to choose from and cut. There were also pre-cut ones. But because we already had a tree at home, we’ll be saving this activity for next year’s holidays. I think it would make for a memorable and sweet first family tradition.

Instead, we enjoyed the activities offered at the farm. Keaton’s favourite part was meeting Santa and taking a tractor ride with him. (This gentleman was filled with warmth.) We also walked through the Candy Cane Lane and visited Santa’s Workshop, and Keaton fed the rabbits, one of which tried to eat his scarf. The animals were so fluffy.

It was a very cold day given the intense wind, and ever more, I felt the weight of my own big pregnant belly, equipped with the full knowledge that our daughter could very well be born right then and there, in the snow and in the middle of a farm. It could’ve also happened in Santa’s Workshop, too. Imagine that.

Gaia’s arrival is imminent and could happen at any moment, so I’ve been trying to enjoy as many Christmas activities as possible before I’m homebound with a little snuggle bear.

Choo choo

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If there’s a Christmas location where Hallmark movies should be filmed in Ottawa, it would be at Tinseltown Christmas Emporium, a local, family-owned Christmas shop that’s beyond magical.

Walking past this store, be it during the hot summer months or the festive winter season, is always a dreamy experience, no matter the time of year. With towering nutcracker statues, shades of festive red, and decorations that adorn the windows, one’s senses and lust for all-things Christmas are bound to be tickled.

Words can’t describe the feeling one feels when walking inside. There are nooks and crannies of decorations and ornaments everywhere, and it smells like holiday pine and floral cinnamon. It’s become our family tradition to go there yearly to buy ornaments for our Christmas tree.

My husband picked this gingerbread family ornament, to honour our soon-to-be completed family of four once our daughter arrives. She’ll be here just in time for Christmas!

Keaton chose this train ornament this year. He was really enamoured with the moving train in the store. It encompassed a magical winter village, and looked like something one would see in a film or catalogue.

Last year, he’d chosen a West Highland Terrier doggie in a red car as his ornament. It was the first ornament that he’d chosen himself, so it was particularly special.

I chose this squirrel ornament in a wreath for our daughter’s first Christmas ornament. Since we’ll be naming her Gaia, which means Mother Earth or Mother Nature, I felt that this ornament was fitting. The squirrel and the leaves remind me very much of nature. (I also love squirrels, I must admit. And shamelessly so.)

We also put up our Christmas tree this past weekend, with some festive Christmas music in the background for sweet company. My parents, Keaton’s Kong-Ma, were there to take part in the experience as well. Now that they’re very old, these family moments are deeply meaningful to me.

It was amazing to see Keaton put up some ornaments. He looked like an older kid helping us; in fact, he is! How he’s grown from his little self, whom I recall was so much smaller last year. His daddy even had to hold him up to help out with the ornaments; and now, he’s all independent!

It will be our first Christmas in our first home, and I’m already feeling all the cozy and warm vibes. I love, love our Christmas set-up. I’m looking forward to movie nights by the lit fireplace with my husband, and above all, to having our dear daughter join our family. She’s the best gift we could ask for this year. We’re lucky to have her just in time for the holiday season.

Meuh-Meuh-Meuh to the New Year

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Our Christmas was a Christmas of three: daddy, mommy, and Keaton. It was another Christmas in isolation; after all, the Omicron variant had shockingly started ripping across the country, and at a very fast rate. So to be safe this year, our families and us decided to celebrate in our own respective bubbles. It was a sad time for everyone. One or even two Christmases in isolation isn’t so bad for us youngsters, but for my parents and all the elderly, lost time in isolation is lost time. The future is uncertain.

Last year, we had a low key Christmas, but it was also very heartwarming because my sister (Auntie Mel Mel) joined us. Keaton had his BFF there, so it was an exciting moment for him. I fondly remember him opening his Fisher Price car gift — his very first car. He crawled towards the neatly wrapped box — a large one at that — and with a smile, knew that it was his gift and began tugging at the paper. We missed our parents of course, but we were still hopeful that next year would be normal again — that we’d all be able to reunite for the holidays. Yet who would’ve thought that this pandemic would last for almost two years?

This year, as we’ve reached a level of acceptance and normalcy in our lives — there’s no way but to co-exist with COVID-19 — we decided to reunite with my whole family. After all, we’ve all been careful and vigilant throughout this whole ordeal, and all adults and kids are vaccinated — except for Keaton, who doesn’t go to daycare anyway. As a pandemic baby, Keaton hasn’t socialized or travelled much at all, so I was really looking forward for him to finally meet his cousins after almost two years, and their new doggie addition, Snow. I miss my nieces tremendously. But plans fell through because at this point, the Omicron variant had began transmitting at a very rapid rate, and everywhere. On top of that, we all succumbed to a raging cold. Even if it wasn’t COVID-19, we all felt it was safer to remain home and not spread more viruses around than necessary.

I think the most heartbreaking moment was Christmas Eve. My sister had driven over two hours to drop off gifts for her nephew. Seeing her show up at our door, only to leave with a visibly tearful “Merry Christmas” — no hugs or kisses — was shattering to me. I felt myself tearful when I saw all the beautifully wrapped gifts for Keaton, the Blues Clues chair, and even the Christmas clothes she’d washed for him to wear on Christmas Day. There was heartbreak in knowing that as Keaton was napping, his auntie, his favourite person in the whole world, showed up — but she couldn’t see or kiss him, nor would he know that she was there.

“I think it’s best that Keaton doesn’t see me,” my sister said. “He might feel sad that I leave right away.”

When Keaton woke up and saw all the gifts under the tree — Santa did arrive this year, or rather Auntie Mel Mel — he grew fascinated. I let him open one gift that night, and he was very good and patient when I told him that he’d have to wait to open it on daddy’s break. When he finally opened his gift and saw the handyman toolbox kit that we’d bought him, he got really excited. It was perfect for him because he’s always been enamoured with tools and “fixing” the wheels on his trucks. It was a beautiful sight to see my husband showing him how to use the tools, and him following his daddy’s instructions.

On Christmas morning, when it was time to open gifts, we video-called my parents and also took videos for my sister to watch later. Keaton had numerous gifts — all so very fun and meaningful at the same time. He was so stimulated, that he even refused to nap that day. I loved watching him opening his gifts and seeing the excitement on his face. Yet I can’t soften the truth: I still felt a deep-rooted sadness within me that wouldn’t go away. There was the sadness in knowing that my sister and parents were respectively alone, and that the moment could’ve been so much sweeter if everyone had been present. Keaton could’ve actually given his grandparents and auntie kisses for all the gifts. I, in turn, could’ve witnessed their smiles at that very moment.

Sure, Keaton was amused with all the gifts and toys. But I could see in my son that he was also sad. I’m aware he knew that Auntie Mel Mel had dropped by. Yes, I mentioned it to him; but more importantly, he felt her presence. He’s always been an intelligent and sensitive young fellow, who’s in touch with his emotions and surroundings. It’s no surprise, then, that he felt a deeper sadness than meets the superficial eye. I, myself, couldn’t bear to see the Christmas tree after Christmas was over. Even though I grew up keeping the tree up way beyond New Year’s — I’ve always loved seeing it longer than necessary — these past two Christmases I couldn’t. I felt too depressed to see it knowing that it was a sad Christmas. I told him Keaton to say “thank you” and “bye bye” to the tree — he waved with gratitude — and proceeded to taking everything down.

***

New Year’s Eve was better already. We all healed from our colds — my parents included — so we had my parents over. It was a very simple and low key evening. I was in my pyjamas and bath robe all night. Perhaps in an alternate reality, I would’ve put effort into looking cute for the night, but in all frankness, I couldn’t mask the turmoil that boiled within me, and a bathrobe and pyjamas paid honest tribute to that — and I liked that a lot. We also didn’t have champagne on hand, so we just ordered a bottle of white wine instead from UberEats. After my parents left at around 10PM, I knocked out shortly after. I felt like an old granny. Even old grannies do better than me, let’s be real.

Keaton also slipped and fell — so hard, that his teeth cut his upper lip what looks to be almost in two. Blood was gushing, but to his and our relief, after holding a cold and wet cloth to his lip and rotating cloths religiously, the blood stopped. My poor little guy’s upper lip was very swollen. Overall, though, he’s been doing OK and hasn’t been bothered by his little bobo. He’s also been breastfeeding well and eating well. I was afraid it would be a nightmarish scenario where he wouldn’t be able to eat anything.

Keaton loves the playground at the farm. I do, too! There’s even a mini train and barn that kids can enter and enjoy.
It was a comical and endearing sight to see the farm workers walk these donkeys to their enclosure here; it took quite a while for them to make it! One of the donkeys was very playful and almost cinematic to observe.
I love that all the cows had names. In the other barn, we also saw the names of the calves’ parents. There was a calf that was born on Christmas Day, and he was the most handsome little dude ever!
We stood here watching the tractor transport the hay on the wagon. I think it was one of Keaton’s favourite moments, if not the favourite moment.

New Year’s Day was much better already. I was at a better place mentally and emotionally. Maybe it’s because Christmas was over. We took Keaton to the farm, and luckily, the weather was very mild for a winter day, so we were able to spend a few hours outside enjoying the animals and the playground. Our little guy had a good time. It was magical for him to go from watching farm tractor videos in the morning, to actually showing up at a farm and seeing tractors in live action. It’s his second time visiting the farm, and I appreciate that it’s within walking distance of our abode. One thing I appreciate about this city is, even though it’s a car kind of city, there’s still a lot of nature and parks that abound.

It’s difficult having a toddler, or kids in general, during a pandemic. Social experiences, activities, and adventures have become more limited. Apartment living and being without a car has also presented us with additional challenges. Yet for my husband and I, we try our best to give our son as many experiences as we can possibly muster. No matter the circumstances — rain or heavy snow — we’d walk our son in the stroller to our destination, even if it was an hour’s walk away. We’ve taken him to Christmas markets, museums, malls — many places on foot. There was no other way. Public transportation is unreliable and risky with COVID-19, so walking was the answer. Yet I have no complaints. I’ve spent most of my life walking for hours on end, even until my ankles bled, so naturally, I have a lovely appreciation for it.

As a parent to a toddler during this crazy period, making decisions is always difficult. While we make decisions based on our values and priorities, which, in essence, is our son’s health and well-being, we’ll still never know if these were the right or wrong decisions. We know that Keaton longs for connection with other children — it pains us to no end — and even if he’ll most likely be OK if he caught COVID-19, we’re still unaware of the long-term repercussions of the virus on his health. Is it worth the risk? Not for us. Every parent has their own risk threshold that they’re willing to adhere to — us included. I don’t think many of us know what the fuck we’re doing throughout all of this mess. There’s got to be some kind of cost-benefit analysis, and something’s always got to give. But we’re all trying our best to do the right thing for our families. My only regret in my life right now, is that I wish I were able to be a happier, healthier mother for my son. I’m beaten down.

Salt & pepper shake

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Keaton’s fun and imaginary play these days is centred on his new kitchen. I’m very glad that we decided to invest in this kitchen, because it gives him something to do these long, cold winter days, that doesn’t have to do with him watching “meh meh” or TV shows. It’s also very rewarding to see him exercising his imagination and engaging in pretend play. While his nose is a running faucet these days — momma here is sick with an unforgiving cold, too — he’s content with his kitchen.

The cutest moment is when the three of us are playing together and he serves up food for us. He loves adding salt and pepper to his dishes; he’ll even make the “chhh chhh” sound when he shakes them. The microwave is his favourite, though, and he’ll ask me to put oven mitts on him (actually his winter mitts). He’ll also make the “beep beep beep” sound. I’ve noticed that he finds it more enticing when daddy makes kitchen sounds and serves up food; he’ll try to emulate it. It makes all the sense in the world because he’s always observing what his daddy does in day-to-day life!

Building blocks!

Our little guy is highly energetic and easily distracted — I know most toddlers are — but Keaton has always been extraordinary in his extremes. He’s very aware, loving, gentle, perceptive, and kind; but he’s also very demanding and strong-willed. He’s always been a difficult baby — very high needs and hyperactive. I find myself defeated and beaten down most days, and not knowing how to entertain him. While I take him to the park, sometimes twice a day, even in the coldest of winters — we’re always the only crazy ones there — it’s always been challenging to entertain him at home. He’s never been interested in his toys or painting or crafts, or in the activities that I actively set up for him (I appreciate all the online tools that parents have put out there).

One day, as he was napping, I searched online for some DIY toddler activities and stumbled upon poking spaghetti or pipe cleaners in a colander and “pom pom whisk,” two of which are great fine motor skill activities for a toddler. But instead of pulling out the pom poms one by one or threading the spaghetti or pipe cleaners into the colander individually, he took the smart and easy way out: he continuously banged the whisk against the floor and table, which prompted all the pom poms to fly out faster and more efficiently, and he turned the colander right side up and just deposited the whole batch of spaghetti in it, rather than threading them into the holes. I was at a loss for words and just laughed. Clearly, my child wasn’t one to waste time; he had smarts and a will of his own nature.

But another day, I had this crazy idea to buy him blocks — shoutout to Dollarama for a well-spent $4 — and lo and behold, it’s become one of his new favourite activities. My husband has been raving about what a great idea it was. That’s when I know I’m beat tired: little obvious details surpassed me completely. How could I have not thought of blocks before? It’s a fantastic toy for him, of course, because he always loves stacking and organizing objects; and now, seeing him so concentrated makes my heart elated. He’s thinking, he’s analyzing, he’s focusing, he’s learning. Win! It warms my heart to see him sit and build blocks; he looks like a little boy.

Today, I tried teaching him the alphabet and lined the letters with their respective cards. Instead of being interested in the colourful line of alphabet letters that I set up for him, his imagination instructed him otherwise: it was to be used as a trail for his vehicles! Momma here laughed out loud. Again, my son is a contrarian and always has his own agenda. Frankly, I respect that. I love his independent and stubborn streak. He’s a visionary, and I admire that about him very much.

Our Christmas tree is very dynamic, if I may say, because it’s constantly changing appearances and identities. That’s what happens when a toddler is constantly removing ornaments and stealing candy canes!

I’m sad to say that Christmas is only a few days away, and there are so many activities that I hadn’t had the time and opportunity to experience. In fact, days scurried on by so fast that it’s hard to believe that while it’s my favourite time of the year, it hardly feels like it. This year is the saddest holiday season thus far for me, and I’m sure many people out there share this sentiment. For me, it’s the financial strain; it’s the lack of time and resources, and the constant exhaustion; it’s missing family and social connections; it’s the stress of not being able to feel free and in control in my own living environment. Oh, and hey Omicron, you raging, sexy beast. I’m giving you a shoutout, too!

Yet my husband and I take full responsibility for where we are now in our lives, and the current circumstances that encase us. There are certain moments when we feel like we’ve failed our son — when we wish we could’ve done better. It’s an uncomfortable experience, and we don’t shy away from the realities of our shortcomings. But what I’m proud of — and I say this loud and clear — is that in the midst of all the tidal waves, we’ve still created a home and safe space for our son. We make do with what we have, and in the best ways possible. Our Christmas tree is a symbolic representation of our lives: there’s beauty, there’s hope, and there’s love and joy.

When I quickly assess our apartment, of course I’m reminded of the constant discomfort and anxiety. There’s the structural inadequacies of the unit and the building at large, the neighbours downstairs whose noise levels prohibit us from even hearing our own thoughts, and the inconsiderate maskless folks who believe that the Sun revolves around their sorry asses. Yet, my heart is full and grateful. We have what we need and we’re cozy. My husband’s proud that I’ve transformed our abode into a warm, fun, and inviting place. I love Keaton’s play space most of all. Seeing his Nana’s paintings on the wall, his house and the stickers that adorn it, and his kitchen and food truck — they all make me feel happy and blessed. And I know that Keaton feels this way, too.

Blogmas: Mwuah, Rudolpho

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Here’s our Christmas tree! It will be our first Christmas here at the apartment, and adding a festive tree adorned with sentimental ornaments and lights really makes our abode cozy and warm. We did resort to moving all the candy canes to the upper half of the tree, though, because Keaton will grab them and run off into the sunset otherwise! If not by reaching up for them himself, then with the swift movement of his sassy broom.

This year will be extra fun because Keaton is now a bit older, so he’ll be able to enjoy Christmas and have a better understanding of the festivity. When we put up the tree, he even helped us put up the ornaments. But he didn’t want to do it himself. He just wanted to hand the ornaments to us, and demand where they go with unswerving knowing and conviction. I have a feeling that by the time Christmas rolls around, the tree will either be naked and the ornaments missing, or it will have gone through many identity crises thanks to Keaton.

This doggie or “meh meh” ornament is special — it makes me smile so much — because it’s Keaton’s first ornament, which he chose himself. When his daddy showed him the display of ornaments at the Nutcracker store and pointed to them one by one, he made a sound to gesture that this was the one he wanted.

The doggie is a West Highland Terrier. When I look at it, it looks just right — as if it really is Keaton’s doggie and buddy. It looks and feels like his personality, and he knows it.

My husband, Bruno, and I also have our annual special ornament for Christmas, and this year we chose this Jack Skellington and Sally ornament, which symbolizes the early days of our dates — the sweet cusp between Halloween and Christmas — and the fruits of our relationship.

My husband and I are renowned elves. It seems that every year we spread the Christmas cheer by putting up a tree in someone’s house, who otherwise wouldn’t have bothered. This time, we chalked up my parents’ holiday spirit and brought this tree — once in my work office — over to their home.

When we began setting up the tree and decorations, my parents’ faces lit up with joy. Mom even went to the basement to take out my childhood ornaments and other decor. Dad himself helped put up the ornaments — I could see that he was at peace. They really enjoyed this moment of shared family tradition — this time with their grandson. It had also been a long time since they put up a tree, probably since their children were living with them.

We also gifted them this special mouse ornament because it symbolizes Keaton, their grandson.

Besides putting up Christmas trees and decorations, another fun part about the holiday season is taking out Christmas mugs. These are two new ones that we recently added to our collection. With their Christmas-y nature, they make coffee ever more tasty and soul-satisfying! (Or bitter, if you’re a morning coffee Grinch.)

A cute-as-a-button gingerbread cookie from the Christmas Market! I told my husband that my ultimate goal this year is to find and eat a classic gingerbreadman cookie that’s been decorated, and here it is! Keaton also had his own cookie that day at the market. It was so heartwarming that he ate his gingerbread cookie as he was holding my hand and walking around.

The next evening, my husband and I returned to the Christmas Market. While the day before we’d done a family trip there with our son, we also wanted to have our own date night there, especially after dark when the fairy lights begin romancing our souls. It was a cold night, but oh so beautiful. The music, the smiles, and the celebration — I felt happy. For the first time in a long time since Keaton’s birth, my Love and I had a date (thank you to Kong-Ma), and I felt like myself again. I also couldn’t help but start dancing to the music, too.

Today, we also adopted Rudolpho, our new reindeer friend, from our local Christmas Farmer’s Market. Keaton loves him with such sweet gentleness. When he arrives home, he’d greet his new buddy with a hug and a kiss. It warms my heart to no end!