It’s already December, and here I am on the precipice of many vomiting spells from all the coughing. I feel like a walking virus with a neck as veinous as the Hulk’s. We’d skipped a year in the sickness department, and now, here we are, as a family of four, sick like toads. Luckily, the kids’ symptoms were mild, and they were rather unbothered.

Christmas is the holiday that I look forward to most every year; there’s so much to do, experience, and feel. Yet time has flown by so fast; and while we’ve done many Christmas activities already, the feeling of being in the festive spirit just hasn’t caught up. Expectation and reality feel like mismatched socks. It’s many things in a complex dance, and combined, it’s overwhelming.

It seems as if we could never catch a break since March 2020, or since the birth of our firstborn and the pandemic began. From that point on, our lives spiralled for better and for worse — the ripple effects felt deeply and constantly. Issues began and multiplied, and mutated into many variations. And in the midst of it all, there was no opportunity for physical, mental, or emotional respite.

For a brief moment, though, we’d caught a breath of air — we’d bought our first home last year. It was the climatic point of hope and promises. But not for long. Once again, our living environment — what was supposed to be our safe haven — became a hazard. More issues arose, and we found ourselves having to pack up and leave, and be wary of even our footsteps upon returning.

Besides the crippling financial effects these events have had on our lives, and with them, the stresses they’ve had on our relationships, are the deep effects they’ve had on our children, because we, as parents, have been struggling immensely. We’ve been deep in the dungeon of guilt, feeling the weight of the circumstances, while simultaneously feeling like royal failures and like the world’s shittiest parents for failing our kids in ways we never thought we would.

Then there’s Christmas around the corner. The tree and lights and all the decor exude a glowing warmth; the smell of cinnamon and pine fills the air with glee; the yard is covered with a fluffy blanket of snow; holiday songs fill the stores and streets with celebration. We have a roof, food, warmth, our family. Yet all doesn’t feel as it should. The external world is seemingly a snow globe, yet the internal world remains a dark mist. Therein lies the mocking juxtaposition that’s reality for us, and for many people, during what’s supposed to be a festive season.

Much guilt eats away at me. I wish I’d been a healthier, happier mother to my children. I wish I’d been a kinder, more loving wife. I wish I’d been more grounded and lived up to my potential. Yet somehow, when none of the fluff makes sense, through my will to live and love, I find myself yearning to make memories with my family, as shattered as our lives have been. I yearn to sew presence and love out of the ripped fabric of our existence. Especially through the broken parts of myself.

For one, we put up our Christmas tree. My parents, the kids’ Kong-Ma, were here to experience the moment, too. Last year, when we put up the tree, it was only them and Keaton, as Gaia was still in my belly. This year, she’s here, too, hopping around on her bum at full speed and exploring. By the time it’s Christmas, she’ll already be one. She’s so full of awareness and interest. It’s so endearing to see her hopping around, whilst holding and hugging and kissing my dancing penguin. It’s double trouble with two now.

Seeing the Christmas tree and decorations and lights brings immense joy to my heart. I see and feel celebration, family, togetherness, and love. As challenging as events in our lives have been, I do have the utmost trust that it’s going to be the most heartwarming Christmas yet, because now, our family is complete with all four of us. There’s strength in family, because where there’s love, there’s will. And where there’s will, there’s possibility.

Keaton was our biggest helper in putting up the ornaments

Whereas last year Gaia was a newborn at Christmas, this year she’s another carbuncle on the loose

I found this beautiful angel that I dedicated to my sister; it makes me feel like she’s with us

Gnome ornaments I’d painted for Keaton and Gaia!

Kinda cute, yes?

Ferme L’Éco des Champs

The first Christmas-y activity we did was visit Ferme l’Éco des Champs again. They now have pre-cut trees for sale, and I’m enamoured with the Christmas tree that they’d put up inside the market shed. It’s all in the minute details, but simply having that tree really changes the farm into a festive wonderland.

This time, Keaton wanted to feed the goats and alpacas, but to our disappointment, they weren’t hungry. While the baby goats were still curious and social even if they weren’t looking to eat, the alpacas looked at us as if we were the most out of place tourists on this earth for trying to feed them. That’s when we reasoned that we’ll stick to the chickens and piggies next time; they’re always hungry.

Cedar Hill Christmas Tree Farm

Rows of growing trees for someone’s next Christmas tree

A picturesque spot fit for a proposal or love confession (cue the cheesy Hallmark movies)

It was our first time visiting Cedar Hill Christmas Tree Farm — what a magical place! They had wide open fields of beautifully lined trees ready to be cut and adorned in the home, as well as baby trees just poking their heads out of the ground. I was itching to cut one myself, but since we already had one at home, I reasoned that perhaps next year or when the kids are a bit older we can return to cut our first Christmas tree.

Besides cut-your-own trees, they also had pre-cut trees as well as many handmade wreaths. Their store was also neat to wander in. There were ornaments, winter wear, soaps, Christmas decor, food goodies, and many more. Their fire pit was a hot spot to warm up, and they also had some farm animals to admire. There were also picturesque spots fit to film Hallmark movies (cue the cheesy ones).

This year, our visit was Keaton enjoying the dynamic playground and Gaia seeing some bunnies and piggies, and us parents enjoying our hot chocos in the scenic environment. But next year or after that, I hope to return to cut our own Christmas tree for the first time.

Magic of Lights at Wesley Clover Parks

We did another Magic of Lights event at Wesley Clover Parks. While last year Gaia was in my belly when we did the drive-through, this year she was in the car seat. Unfortunately, she slept through the whole driving experience; otherwise, she would’ve appreciated all the lights and colours.

This time, we also stopped at the Holiday Pit Stop. It was nice to actually get out of the car and walk a little to do some activities. There were some photo-ops, a BeaverTail truck, and a mini trail to enjoy the lights. Gaia was awake by then and quite enamoured by the colourful lights over her.

Ottawa Christmas Market at Landsdowne Park

The Right Bite’s gingerbread and shortbread cookies are just… a different species of delicious

We waited for our family photo with Santa (our first one yet)!

The Ottawa Christmas Market at Landsdowne Park is a European-style Christmas market that features many vendors, activities, and entertainment. We went on opening night, and of course, as expected, driving in meant that there would be a long wait time — cars were lined all the way down the road.

But the night was young and there was plenty of fun to be had. Although we missed the tree-lighting ceremony, we did catch a glimpse of the carollers. We also took a stroll in the Aberdeen Pavilion, which was crowded between all the vendors and even more patrons. After Keaton had gotten his Christmas cookie from The Right Bite, we scurried out. In retrospect, I’m sure we caught a virus inside the pavilion.

It was also crowded outdoors, and although I enjoyed all the lights and festivities — the kids enjoyed the atmosphere, too — I was happy to call it a night. The atmosphere was very festive with many happy smiles all around, but because I’m easily overstimulated by crowds, going home not too long after was what I needed. We did manage to take our first family photo with Santa. That was a major success.

Cumberland Heritage Village Museum

It was our first time attending the Vintage Village of Lights at the Cumberland Heritage Village Museum, and so far, it’s my favourite go-to place for a Christmas activity with my family. Whereas the Ottawa Christmas Market at Landsdowne Park was festive but overstimulating due to all the entertainment and the crowd of people, the Vintage Village of Lights here was the opposite: festive but very quiet, peaceful, and leisurely.

The lights at the museum did look and feel like a picturesque postcard. It was a beautiful sight to behold, and an even more beautiful experience to be had. I love that the experience was a mix of outdoors and indoors, where we could stroll around and appreciate the heritage buildings and see demonstrations, as well as enter some of them to do activities like decorate gingerbread cookies (we could eat them, too!) and take photos with Santa.

I look forward to coming back at least once more before the season is over. Not only is it very affordable — it’s $25 for six people — but it’s also very low-key and low-energy, fit for a quiet and calm leisurely stroll devoid of crowds. I love their family activities, and the staff were a delightful bunch.

Christmas Market in Old Aylmer

We visited the Christmas Market in Old Aylmer last year, just two weeks before Gaia was born. I was heavily pregnant at that point and walking like a penguin. This year, she poked her head out of the stroller — eyebrows knitted, and curious and analytical as usual. While there was no train ride this year for Keaton, it was still sweet to remember the memories, and to appreciate time in all its fragments.

Billings Estate National Historic Site

They really do look… homemade. I’m the worst crafter, but I had so much fun

The Billings Estate National Historic Site is a heritage museum here in Ottawa that was built by and used to house the Billings family, one of the earliest settlers. This site is now operated by the City of Ottawa.

We visited the museum for their Home for the Holidays program, where we could explore all the Christmas decor accenting the old, wood-frame home, look at souvenirs and learn about the Billings family and their legacy, and craft our own Christmas ornaments.

When we’re out, it’s rare for Keaton to remain seated and still; he’d often run off and explore (he’s very strong-willed at that). This is why I really appreciated our time together making our own pine cone ornaments. He helped me craft them by choosing the ribbons and adding glue. Because he’s normally not a crafty kid either, having him experience this moment was very joyful for me.

There were cinnamon sticks and star anise, too, that we could add to our pine cones (I added a few to ours). The scent livened the atmosphere in the old home. There’s something deeply calming and cozy about the scent. Now, with our pine cones on our Christmas tree — Keaton put them there — I can’t help but go up to them for a nice sniff.

Stanley’s Olde Maple Lane Farm

We missed Stanley’s Olde Maple Lane Farm’s daytime holiday activities, so we attended their nighttime Holiday Stroll instead. We were all sick and fatigued, and while it made all the practical sense to stay home and rest, I knew we had to do a trip to see the holiday lights — they would lift all our spirits. And lift them they did.

The holiday lights were magical there. The path of lights took about an hour’s stroll. There were traditional displays, and quirky and romantic ones. Santa’s Village was particularly fun to explore. There were mini houses where we could search for different characters and objects for fun.

The latest memory I’m particularly fond of, are these Christmas ornament crafts (I bought them from Dollarama). Keaton has never been an arts-and-crafts kid; he’d have very little patience for and interest in them. But when I enthusiastically told him that I was excited for us to do a Christmas craft together, he agreed to it. I was skeptical that he’d follow through; often times, he’d just tell us to do it for him (this is a problem we have with him).

Yet this experience was different. It was a Christmas miracle, if I may describe it as a such. To my surprise, as soon as he arrived home, he was adamant about starting the craft right away (to my own chagrin because I didn’t even have time to remove my coat and boots). He then proceeded to craft. With my help in reading the instructions, he intently put all the pieces of the characters together, by himself.

Even if his interest began to wane at the third and fourth character, the fact that he carried through with all the characters, and did it all himself, was a huge success. It might’ve been a simple Dollarama craft, yes, but I felt proud of his cute accomplishment (the characters are so adorable), and even prouder that he was able to concentrate, despite his own inclinations elsewhere. I even dated them at the back, just like my father used to do with my own art work. This way, I could keep them forever as a souvenir.

While these ornaments were meant to be for the tree, it’s really dear how he put them in random places around the house as decor, and is very adamant about leaving them in their respective places. I really look forward to him doing more arts and crafts, so I could adorn our walls with them as time goes by. Parents whose children give them art work are the luckiest in the world; I’d love to receive them from my children, too.

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I’m not sure how events will unravel with our home. We have a few weeks to find out. I hope and pray that all will be fixed and back to normal. Our hearts are heavy, to be sure, but these past Christmas activities and events with the kids have more than saved us. They’ve brought a ray of light to our darkness.